A couple of communication tips

We've been going to classes for the past several weeks for families who have a member with a brain disorder such as schizophrenia or chronic depression. It's been very enriching and we've met a lot of other families and have learned that we are not alone. NAMI (National Alliance of the Mentally Ill) sponsors the class.

Today's session was on communication and it was so informative that I'd like to put in writing what I learned so it'll reinforce it for me and hopefully give you some ideas too. After reading below, I think you'll agree that these techniques are not just for use with the mentally ill.

We focused on just two different techniques today:

1) The I-statement - useful in conflict resolution - This is a classic, and probably the number one communication tip that has been drilled into all of us, whether dealing with the mentally ill or not. The I-statement is way less confrontational than the you-statement. Contrast:

    I get worried when you don't return my phone calls.
            vs
    You are so irresponsible for not calling me back.

Both get the point across, but the first statement welcomes a more positive response, whereas the second statement all but guarantees a defensive response.

All you have to do is fill in the blanks:
I feel/get/am _____________________ when you do ______________.

And one note: end the statement with a period and not an exclamation point. Stay calm and don't keep going on and on.

2) Reflective Responses - useful for showing support and building rapport - This is also a classic. It shows that we are supportive and empathetic towards our loved one or friend. Maybe we don't agree, but we can validate their feelings. Contrast these two:

    You must be worn out by all those thoughts in your head telling you that you are no good.
            vs
    Can't you just ignore the negative thoughts and pay attention to the positive ones?

The first statement encourages more dialogue, but the second statement would more than likely escalate into an argument.

Good Reflective Response phrases include
    It must be rough...
    You must really feel...
    It sounds like you...

Of course, practice is the best way to master both communication styles. Fortunately, everyone one of us has lots of opportunity to practice.