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A couple of communication tips

We've been going to classes for the past several weeks for families who have a member with a brain disorder such as schizophrenia or chronic depression. It's been very enriching and we've met a lot of other families and have learned that we are not alone. NAMI (National Alliance of the Mentally Ill) sponsors the class.

Today's session was on communication and it was so informative that I'd like to put in writing what I learned so it'll reinforce it for me and hopefully give you some ideas too. After reading below, I think you'll agree that these techniques are not just for use with the mentally ill.

We focused on just two different techniques today:

1) The I-statement - useful in conflict resolution - This is a classic, and probably the number one communication tip that has been drilled into all of us, whether dealing with the mentally ill or not. The I-statement is way less confrontational than the you-statement. Contrast:

    I get worried when you don't return my phone calls.
            vs
    You are so irresponsible for not calling me back.

Both get the point across, but the first statement welcomes a more positive response, whereas the second statement all but guarantees a defensive response.

All you have to do is fill in the blanks:
I feel/get/am _____________________ when you do ______________.

And one note: end the statement with a period and not an exclamation point. Stay calm and don't keep going on and on.

2) Reflective Responses - useful for showing support and building rapport - This is also a classic. It shows that we are supportive and empathetic towards our loved one or friend. Maybe we don't agree, but we can validate their feelings. Contrast these two:

    You must be worn out by all those thoughts in your head telling you that you are no good.
            vs
    Can't you just ignore the negative thoughts and pay attention to the positive ones?

The first statement encourages more dialogue, but the second statement would more than likely escalate into an argument.

Good Reflective Response phrases include
    It must be rough...
    You must really feel...
    It sounds like you...

Of course, practice is the best way to master both communication styles. Fortunately, everyone one of us has lots of opportunity to practice.

Yummy kale salad

After being turned off to greens pretty much my whole life, it's official: I'm now a huge fan of kale. According to the signs at Whole Foods, kale is one of the healthiest foods that you can eat. Tons of vitamin K, A and C and some anti-cancer properties as well. In case you've never seen it, kale is a fairly thick leafy green with a hearty stem. You can find it in produce not too far from the broccoli.

Here's a very simple and highly addictive recipe for kale salad.

1 bunch of kale
1.5 T lemon juice (I use the stuff in the bottle.)
2 T of olive oil - or more (!)
a sprinkling of salt

Wash and rinse the kale. Tear into small pieces. I don't like the stems, so those get discarded. Add the lemon juice, olive oil, salt and mix very well with your two hands. This is called "massaging the kale". See picture above. Massage with gusto! This removes some bitterness from the kale. Let the salad sit for a while; and it will taste even better. Unlike wimpier salads, it will not wilt.

Variations:

• You can add garlic, but if you do, make sure the salad sits for a while so that the lemon juice can cook the garlic a bit
• You can add anything crunchy; my favorite is bacon bits. I also like sunflower seeds and pine nuts.

This is just yummy. I make this at least 3 times a week. My husband even likes this salad.

The macrobiotic way

This summer, I went to the Kushi Conference, and it opened my eyes to a healthier "macrobiotic" way of life. Much of macrobiotics involves eating healthy food, but a lot of it involves simply being good to your body: staying relaxed, balanced, and being grateful. Let me just go ahead and get this out on the table: none of macrobiotics even comes close to replacing a healthy relationship with God. (In him we live and move and have our being.)

Anyway, as far as the food, the essence is that food is energy. It's a lot of whole grains, greens, vegetables, beans, and soy. To that, add a little Japanese influence such as seaweed and miso. The whole grain that gets the most attention is brown rice. So, if you don't do anything else, start replacing your white rice with brown. Brown rice is actually a lot chewier and has more taste anyway. Greens are good steamed or sauteed. The main green that I've latched on to is kale, and I'll share a yummy recipe in an upcoming blog. As far as beans, macrobiotic cooks like to begin with dried beans. Ha! Maybe I'll cook them that way after I retire! Vegetables are pretty self explanatory, except that macrobiotic regimes shun white potatoes.

In fact, anything "white" is shunned: sugar, milk, flour and the white potatoes. The milk surprised me, due to calcium. However, at the conference, we learned that you can get plenty of good calcium through the greens and certain veggies such as broccoli.

The most fascinating part of the conference was when cancer survivors spoke about how the macrobiotic diet cured them. In fact, the friend who invited me got involved because her sister had cancer and had given up until she saw a brochure on macrobiotics and decided to give it a try. She's in complete remission now.

Am I 100% macrobiotic yet? Hmmm... not even close! I love sugar on my cereal. I like cheese on my veggie burger, and you are not taking my butter away from me! However, I have done a pretty darn good job of adding healthy options to my diet including quinoa and barley for grains. (I already used brown rice.) I've discovered a good black bean salad and a good lentil salad. You'll love my recipe for kale, and I've started toasting seaweed. And, have you ever tried tempeh? It's a tasty alternative to chicken.

Everybody's Fine

We watched Everybody's Fine Friday night. Oh boy: what an emotionally charged movie! Scrolling through the Comcast on Demand movies and seeing that Robert De Niro and Drew Barrymore star, I counted on Everybody's Fine being about a dysfunctional family but figured that there would be on a lot of comedy thrown in.

I was wrong: there was very little if no comedy; however the movie was a gem. Robert De Niro was totally endearing. He plays a widower who's trying to reconnct with his 4 adult children. Ok, he wasn't a very involved parent, leaving that role to his wife, but he wanted the best for them. That's where the conflict comes in. Whereas he thought he was encouraging them to take advantage of every opportunity, they thought he was too pushy and critical.

I was pretty much teary-eyed the whole movie. For one, the Robert De Niro character is so likeable. You just want to hug him as he muddles through being a recent widower and doing a commendable job trying to reconnect with his children. It was sad to me how the children basically shun him. You feel his pain.

It's not hard to see the children's point of view though. They remember a father who pushed them and was never happy with their results.

Fortunately, the movie ends mostly on a good note, but that's all I'll say.

It makes me think of my father, who pushed us pretty hard too. I guess parents, especially fathers, really do want their children to succeed and have good careers and not go through the struggles they had to endure. And children resist. Just part of the natural tug of war between parents and children, it's healthy, to a degree. If each could only see the other's point of view, maybe there wouldn't be so much strife.

Anyway, if you're up for an emotional movie, I'd very much recommend Everybody's Fine.