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The last week

This is for everyone who has a parent or loved one who has a debilitating disease (such as Alzheimers', dementia, or Parkinson's). You know the end is not going to be pretty, and you're wondering what to do when they can no longer swallow. I worried about this when my mother had dementia. The thought of her being thirsty or hungry simply overwhelmed me. It sounded so cruel; and what if she could feel her hunger pains?

Mama quit swallowing about a week before she died; this was going on this time last year. On the day after Valentine's Day, I remember emailing my sister that "Mama looked horrible." I didn't realize that it was so close to the end. On Monday they called me that she still wasn't eating, but she hadn't really had an appetite in several months any way. I still didn't know the end was so near. However, by Wednesday, it was very apparent that Mama wasn't bouncing back. In fact, they were only doing things that would keep her comfortable, such as wetting her lips with ice or applying eye drops. By Saturday, Mama had died.

Ironically, for me, the thought of putting a feeding tube in her that week actually seemed cruel. Why would anyone have wanted to prolong a life in that condition?

God was so good to Mama. She suffered for less than a week. It could have gone on so much longer. During that week, she never looked like she was in pain. she slept a lot; she didn't really respond to any thing, but I had gotten used to that. Hopefully, Mama was spending her last week on earth looking back on her life and thinking about all the people she influenced!

If you have someone who is approaching this state, maybe my story has helped you. I think in cases like my mother's, the body knows when it's time to die and does things to prepare.

A sad day, but still there is hope

My second cousin Liz died suddenly last week: age 25, recently graduated with a masters in Social Work and married just under a year. From a human perspective she died, oh, at least 50 if not 60 years too soon. Liz had so many more people to help! She had so many more meals to cook with her husband. She had so many more family reunions to attend. And, she would have made a great mother. From God's perfect perspective, however, it was the perfect time; and time and time again we realize that God's timing is best. But, still, I'm immensely sad that Liz has died.

Let me, as the preacher suggested, remember some good memories about Liz.  She was so mellow; and she had such dry sense of humor. We laughed a lot around Liz. Her Facebook statuses were always clever with a touch of sarcasm or wit! My husband and I met her in Switzerland the year she was studying abroad and we all hopped a train together to Berlin and had such a fabulous time. Despite our age difference and the accomodations (I think we slept on the floor at our friend's place in Berlin), all three of us remember Berlin as the highlight of that trip to Europe.

Being a social worker, Liz took a special interest in my sister Janice and always asked about her. We even got some ad hoc counseling sessions from Liz at various family functions!

The funeral was yesterday. This was without doubt the saddest circumstances under which I've ever attended a funeral, although the service itself was uplifting, and there was standing room only.

The preacher urged us to honor Elizabeth by reminding ourselves how fleeting life on earth can be. Every day, we are one day closer to eternity with God. That just makes every day more important!

He also reminded us what heaven will be like. He quoted Revelations 21: "And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there will be no more death, neither sorrowing nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away."

Some things I picked up from my mother

to rise and shine - to be optimistic - to enjoy what you have - to appreciate what you have - to be cheerful even when you probably don't feel like it - to trust in God - to "keep your chin up!" - to be grateful - to work hard - to remember your name - to do unto others as you'd have them do unto you - to keep in touch with family - to take care of family - to be generous with what you have - to cry not over spilled milk - to let your house be "lived in" - to bloom where you are planted

to eat it up, wear it out, make it do or do without - to make the dollar stretch - to pay your bills - to travel while you can - to eat a good breakfast - to put on lipstick - to make homemade brownies with cocoa - to watch the weather - to bundle up when it's cold - to speak Pig Latin - to play solitaire - to sew (well, she tried to teach me that!)

I'm still working on some of them!

Positive takeaways during a sad time

My mother's dying, was... how to put it? Well, life changing.

Life changing because so many people were so supportive, generous and caring. There were many hugs at the nursing home the night she died... from nurses to patients. My brother-in-law and his wife provided supper for us that second night; and my cousin and his wife provided dinner the next night. On Monday, my boss told me not to worry about work and to take care of what I needed to take care of. I believe by Tuesday, sympathy cards had already started arriving.

Those first 48 hours, I thought, "Hmm... I should care more about people who have lost loved ones."

At the visitation, I was amazed at all the people who came, especially my cousins from surrounding states: Arkansas, South Carolina, North Carolina and Mississippi. This was the middle of the week too! Two friends of ours in Atlanta even came for the visitation. There were several local people who visited, and bear in mind that Mama had not lived in Columbia since 2002. Of course, anyone who knew Mama liked her! The most touching was the lady from the place where Mama worked parttime as a bookkeeper. She showed up and could not say enough nice things about her. And all the flowers! I was overwhelmed at how many people sent them.

So, after visitation I thought, "Hmm... I should be a nicer person, like Mama." (I wonder how many people would show up at my visitation???)

At the funeral, I firmly grasped heaven being an actual place where my mother is now. Not that I have ever doubted its reality. But when your mother dies and you know she went to heaven, then heaven seems more real. That was one aspect of the funeral that has stuck with me. The other take-away was from the eulogies. My brother gave one  in which he invited us to honor Mama's life by "doing the right thing" at all times, because that's the way my mother lived. My nephew spoke about all the kind things that "Grandma" did.

After the funeral, I thought several things! One: "I'm really looking forward to heaven!" Obviously Jesus and God are there, but having Mama in heaven does make it a little more appealing! (Does that sound bad?) Two: "I'm going to be a better person, to honor Mama." (WWMD: What would Mama do?)

Then, at the luncheon afterwards, which my generous cousins hosted, I was so overjoyed at the number of people who came. We counted off at lunch, and there were 43 people; plus 7 family members came later. Mama would have been happy that we were together. So all during that luncheon, I thought, "Hmm... I'm going to treasure times with family more."

These positive take-aways sure are helping me get through the sadness.

A heart to heart talk

There's a radio ad circulating on our air waves sponsored by a certain church denomination. It's really touching with the theme being what teenagers would talk about if they could have a heart to heart talk with their parents. Some said they would talk about dating, the other sex, and things such as "what I'm going through". Others said that they would "just talk". A few were kinda funny; in fact, one boy said he'd talk about sports with his dad!

It got me thinking... if I could go back and have a heart to heart talk with Mama, would would I ask? Here's what I came up with:

• What was it like when your mother died and you were only 10 years old?
• What was it like to go live with your aunt and overhear her daughter speak harshly about the situation?
• What was it like to marry a husband who traveled so much in the beginning years?
• What was it like to lose your identical twin sister at age 27?
• What was it like to move from Memphis to middle Tennessee with 4 children and a husband with a new job?
• What was it like to go back to work after your youngest entered kindergarten?
• What was it like to raise 6 children?
• What was it like to retire and get your life back?
• What was it like to become a widow?

Mama and I had the best of relationships. (She was perfect!) However, because she was so unselfish, most of our conversations were about me. Looking back, it makes me realize that she had a world of feelings of her own, and I wish I had pulled some of them out of her.

What about you? What would you go back and ask your parents?

Aunt Mary

Aunt Mary died this past weekend. She is the third aunt to die in the past year. Mama is the only Graham sister left. This is a sad time for us cousins. We all loved our aunts so much! They were remarkable ladies, even more so given that their mother died when they were still children. But, wasn't it Aunt Mary who said that hard times teach you more than good times?

I have so many memories of Aunt Mary. She was angelic inside out, especially with her pretty blue eyes; and her laugh was so joyful! My most special memory of Aunt Mary ironically involves a funeral: it was when Daddy died, and I don't remember all the circumstances, but Aunt Mary and Uncle Barton couldn't come for the funeral. Maybe someone was sick; that seems to ring a bell. However, they drove to the visitation, all the way from Dancyville. Aunt Mary got out of their car, gave Mama and the rest of us a hug, and then they turned around and drove 3 1/2 hours back to Dancyville.

Isn't that something?

(The picture is from Mama's birthday party last year at Aunt Ora's. Aunt Mary is on the far right, and I do believe that is the only time during the entire weekend that Mama, who is to her left, was alert.)

Goodbye kisses

Today as I was leaving Mama, I blew her a kiss. She was looking at me, but I didn't expect her to blow one back (unlike when I was a child and she blew kisses to us children like crazy). I kept blowing, though, just for old times sake.

It caught on! A lady who was sitting next to Mama blew me a kiss! And then some other residents joined, and the next thing I know, there's a bunch of us blowing kisses to each other! Even, the men were getting in on the act.

It was uplifting! And I just know Mama was blowing kisses in her mind.

She has my mother's smile!

We saw my niece and nephew today for the first time since Christmas! I was amazed at how much my niece's smile reminds me of Mama's smile!

Here's everybody!

Butterfly Festival at Dunwoody Nature Center

Janice and I enjoyed seeing the butterflies. We were supposed to feed them, but they weren't too hungry by the time we got there.

Psalm 84

I went to a good friend's mother's funeral today. There was a lot of Scripture and a lot of pretty hymns. My favorite Scripture was Psalm 84. I think I'll recommend that we read it at Mama's funeral when the time comes. The Psalm emphasizes the joy of dwelling in the presence of the Lord. That is my mother! In fact, even now, although she is rather out of it with Alzheimer's, my mother still seems so peaceful. (She is probably dwelling in the presence of God!)

The Psalm also emphasizes the blessing of those who dwell in the house of God. Oh how my mother loved St. Peter's Episcopal Church! She was there every time the doors were open! 

"Blessed are those whose strength is in you." My mother certainly relied on God; she had to with 6 children! And, my goodness, did she ever turn her Valleys of Baca into a place of springs! My mother had the gift of turning difficult times into blessful times.

Psalm 84 just keeps getting better! Probably it's most famous line is "Better is one day in your courts than a 1000 elsewhere."

"No good thing does he withhold from those whose walk is blameless." My mother has led a blameless life! God will withhold nothing from her at the gates of Heaven!